Song: To my past life,
How was your childhood? Did you grow up in a small suburban community like I did? Or was it because you lived more lavishly that I had to live like that?
Lately, I've been thinking about Duyên Nợ — souls who cross paths through fate, but do not stay because their shared karmic debt has been repaid. Sometimes I wonder if your past life is still unfolding within this one — if the selves we've left behind are fading into new bodies that carry the karma forward. Because I'm still carrying a debt for all the people that are no longer in my current life by remembering to miss them.
Did I pay it all off to you yet? The wheel of samsara turns again and again, and I'm coming to the conclusion that the age-old cliché of 'To be or not to be' begs for an answer that has no choice. I know it's not too late, but I kind of wish it was.
Were you ever given the chance to sit in your quaint apartment filled with friends who stayed until the last drink? Did you ever get to keep the people that cried for you in your life until the end? Or is it because you didn't have that privilege that I'm haunted to have those people leave me? When guilt outweighs longing, it can never be a cherished memory. Help me close my eyes with dignity; I know I have angels like you and all those that you still remember to miss waiting for me in this life.
If only time softened its grip on me so that I can look for where I belong, so that I can find what I'm looking for. I'm constantly being forced to swallow and choke on a pill that it's better to burn out than to fade away, and I keep getting reminded of it from my human condition. My tears are finally starting to come out and streak the dark circles that frame my eyes. I want my soul back. This current life needs it.
It doesn't matter to me anymore whether you're reborn or not.
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To my next life,
How was your childhood? Were you able to find meaningful friendships that lasted longer than mine? Or was it because of my lack of it that led you to find comfort in solitude instead?
Lately, I've been thinking about how time isn't linear, but a spiral, with the past (lives) repeating itself in that spiral, returning to its epicenter with a few minor differences in detail. Teardrops turned into laughter, one last dinner turned into a fleeting lunch that ended too soon. Maybe in this life, heartbreak turns into reconnection. Was that the case for you?
A bad decision costs me a guilt that would never fade away — I probably just created more debt for you so please bear with me. Was this burden at least ever repaid to some degree? Just like how the parent's dream gets passed down to the child and they are enslaved to live it — are you still enslaved to my karma? Hopefully it's a little lighter than my own debts that carry on from my past life. Blood is thicker than water, but blood alone is a cold and lonely connection.
Was it ever possible for you to experience the love that was waiting for you once you let go? Did you get to be remembered fondly by all those around you? Or was it because I'm soon to experience that, that you weren't able to? One of these lives, I'll make things right with the wrongs I've done, but it's hard for me to be certain if this is the one to do so. Maybe you can convince me otherwise, but until then, I'll continue being reborn every night. Watch over me tonight, angel. In the next life, I hope those that remember me will pause at the thought of what they missed.
I know you still think about me and all the struggles that I'm currently dealing with — the way grief wants to cling onto me like a sweat-soaked shirt in a dry summer's heat. I wonder if it gets passed down to you, but instead of remembering to miss those that are gone, they haunt me in other ways. I can only pray that until I meet you, mother time starts looking mercifully at me in the eyes. So while my nails dig into my palms as I wait, I hope you found what you're looking for.
It doesn't matter to me anymore whether you're reborn or not. I'll be able to be reborn as you.